It can be difficult to live with someone who loses control with their anger but then is quick to turn around and say I’m sorry. After they’ve punched a hole in the wall, and called you four letter words, to then say I love you. How do you know when enough is enough?
It’s a great question that only you can truly answer. When someone has a tendency to lose control, the long term prognosis isn’t promising because it’s a habit that only gets worse with time. If deliberate intervention is not sought to uproot the cause of losing control, it can start to manifest into all types of maladaptive behaviours and attitudes. Once a pattern of losing control becomes habitual, one never know how ‘out of control “one can’t truly get, and life can become chaotic and unpredictable.
Losing control is stepping out of boundaries as to what is acceptable angry behavior.
From a clinical perspective, you can use the following check list to help you cement the decision made to stay or leave
Does the person become emotional abusive when conversations get heated?
Do they hit, push shove or threaten to do to when upset?
Do they break thing or punch walls?
You know a relationship is unhealthy when you experience any of the following;
They trigger you to feel a host of negative emotions that you are unable to resolve with them.
They continually make you feel bad about who you really are
They continually make you feel powerlessness.
They continually make you feel choiceless
They control the way you feel and their voice about your self worth is greater than your own.
Many times people believe taking an Anger Management class is about themselves and developing tools to manage their own anger issues. This is a misrepresentation of why we should all consider taking an anger management course. The real intent and content of most of our programs is to teach people how to have a better relationships with themselves and furthermore generalize those principles into external relationships with others including our loved ones at home, colleagues at work or even friends in our social circles.
Many people practice silence when faced with distress, frustration and other kinds of emotional pain. Taking time out to think and reflect on a situation can be a wise choice, especially if you want to gather your thoughts and gain some objectivity. However silence can also be used as a murder weapon, a very passive aggressive way of punishing someone, or making them feel insignificant. This Anger style is a learned behavior often modelled by parental figures during childhood.
There are many terms to describe this Silent Anger. It’s been referred to as “giving the cold shoulder, to malice, to be aloof, go ignore, not on speaking terms, silent treatment, to shun and many others. However we choose to describe it, it can be a very painful experience when someone’s silence makes us feel punished and insignificant.
Many people live in a constant state of annoyance or mild irritation. They live with just enough anger to feel misery but not so much that they lose control and serious damage. Most often they live their lives in this prison and never stop to ask if there could be a better way. The formal definition of the word “annoyed” is “to feel slightly angry”. Anger exists on a continuum ranging from mild irritation to rage. Because annoyance exists on the earlier stages of this continuum people fail to see it can be just as harmful or destructive as rage in the long term. In fact, many would argue that rageful Anger at least causes impact and changes situations whereas living with annoyance or irritation causes no real impact on others and the only people who quietly and silently suffer are the people themselves who live with the annoyance.
People are going to hurt us throughout our lives. In some cases, we can easily give them a piece of our mind and move on. In other cases, our lives are intertwined so it’s not so easy to wLonely guy looking into the distance at seaalk away. Perhaps it was an affair by a spouse, a betrayal by a friend, past abuse by a parent. What do we do with these powerful emotions when nothing has been worked out and such people continue to be part of our lives? If this scenario sound s familiar, then you are dealing with Resentment. The word resent comes from the Latin word “Retire “which means to re- feel over and over and over again. It’s different from the term Anger where the feeling is in the present, and as a result of something that has recently happened. When we live in resentment, it means the offence has taken place in the past and you continue to store the Anger against this person for what they have done or failed to do. Often the problem is that we have to co-exist in a relationship with someone who is continually exposing us to emotional pain. Failing to take action when we resent someone can have drastic implications on our physical, mental and emotional health. Resentment ultimately deprives us of joy and peace in our lifetime
He is so insensitive”! A wife might say referring to her husband who failed to remember her birthday or ignores an important request. In most cases, those deemed insensitive are judged as lacking empathy or manifesting an “I don’t’ care” attitude. It’s a very hurtful experience and many people take it personally when such insensitivity is directed towards them.
How does insensitivity develop and are we fair in our judgement of such people? What if they were to spin a different perspective by arguing that “others were just too sensitive?
When sensitivity is balanced, someone can be vulnerable enough to concern themselves with emotional and relational matters and simultaneously accept the mishaps and offenses of others without feeling the need to judge or condemn them. In actuality, being too sensitive is just as much a problem as not being sensitive enough.
Sensitivity requires intelligence on the emotional level primarily because it requires us to care. It requires intelligence on a mental level because it requires us to be thoughtful and finally it requires intelligence on a behavioral level because it requires us to act.
Many people are in relationships with individuals who personify an Anger style called “Passive Aggression”. They may not be aware of this formal term, but what they do feel towards such a person is intense frustration and a desire to punish them! This is the very purpose of Passive Aggressive Anger; to frustrate and trigger people.
Many Passive Aggressive Types grew up in homes where they experienced a controlling parent or parental figure and didn’t or couldn’t speak up or communicate that they felt controlled. As a result they would act out in ways that indirectly frustrated and controlled their controller. This eventually becomes a habit and a way they respond to people they feel controlled by. So what exactly do such behaviors look like? Passive Aggression includes acts such as procrastinating, moving very slowly, making promises and breaking it, withholding affection, giving the cold shoulder and similar behaviors. These are often very subconscious and just a way such individuals have learned to cope with feeling controlled. Instead of openly saying “I feel controlled, they allow their behaviors to speak for them. For example, When Little Johnny‘s very outspoken mother yelled at Johnny to wash the dishes, he was busy playing his video game. Johnny wanted to finish what he was doing but didn’t feel he had right to speak up.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. When I reflect on this saying I am often struck by the power of its lies. Physical Abuse is obvious to anyone who witness it. Sexual Abuse can leave traces and evidence as well. Emotional or Verbal abuse… not so much. And this is perhaps what makes it so painful to diagnose. For many people, their most potent scars are verbal or emotional suffered at the hands of others. Some memories so vivid, that even recalling such moments still arouse great emotion and pain.
Many people find themselves in situations where they despise or scorn confrontation because they are afraid of asserting themselves to others, or lack the tools to effectively express their anger without losing control. As a result, they habitually live in relationships where their voice is not heard, and others are given ample opportunities to take advantage of them, leaving them with feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem and ultimately anger.
Many of us don’t quite appreciate the power of our voice, the gift we have been given in this life to proclaim our existence and worthiness. Most people feel as if they don’t have a choice because they grew up in homes with messages like “Kids are to be seen, not heard, or Keep your mouth shut when I am talking to you. Perhaps they witnessed other voiceless souls get punished for choosing to speak up. Nevertheless, such individuals have resolved to a live a life with voicelessness.